I’ve had this really strong impression for the past month to share about a particular experience Denis and I have been and are going through. I don’t know why, I just know that it’s time to be more open about it. But when I would sit down to write, it didn’t feel right. So I’ve been putting it off. Until a couple days ago when the thought came to my mind, “read your journal”. Tonight, I did just that and I found the right way to share my feelings about the past almost 5 years. Wow. Can’t believe it’s almost been 5 years since Denis and I started trying to have children. I’m sure it’s not a big surprise to anyone. We’re LDS and we’ve almost been married for 6 years, of course we’ve tried to have kids. We’ve been through a lot with this experience and if anyone wants to ask me any questions or if I can help you in any way, please feel free to email me.
Here’s a journal entry that is very special to me, I wrote this almost exactly one year ago:
Last night I had a very vivid dream. I’ve learned to recognize when Heavenly Father is speaking to me or giving me comfort through my dreams. For one, they make sense. Haha. That sounds funny, but normally when I dream it’s really weird and crazy and doesn’t make any sense. But when I dream something from my Father, it’s as clear as day, it makes perfect sense, and I can always remember the details and the way I FEEL when I wake up. The feelings I have are probably the biggest indicator that it’s a dream sent to me from my Father.
Last night marks the third dream I’ve had about a specific little baby girl, our baby girl. She’s beautiful and perfect and I already love her so much. I’ve also had one dream about a cute, little boy…dark hair like his daddy’s. He’s ours and I love him so much already too. I can’t wait to meet these children. I want to be the best mother to them that I can be, which doesn’t mean I’ll be perfect, but I want to just do my best.
In my dream last night, I was going to check on our little girl during her nap. When I opened the door to the room, she was lying there with her eyes open. She had a messy diaper. When I went to pick her up to change her, I had this overwhelming feeling as I looked into her gorgeous eyes that she belonged to me. She was mine forever. And then, I felt so much love for her, for Denis, and for my Heavenly Father that it felt like my heart would just burst open. That was it. Then my dreams turned weird again. It was brief, but so powerful. When I woke up, I remembered it clearly, I felt the same feeling of that little girl belonging to me and I knew that one day soon I will get to look into those gorgeous eyes and love her completely. That feeling followed me for the rest of the day. It was such a wonderful, comforting feeling. I’m so grateful to my Heavenly Father for sending me that dream.
Today, before church, I told Denis about my dream last night and I couldn’t help it…I was emotional as I was telling him. When I looked into his eyes after I finish, there were tears glistening at the corners of his eyes. He loves her too. So much. He is going to be an amazing father to that little girl and to all our children. I know that because he is such an amazing husband to me.
Heavenly Father and our Savior know how to succor us in the exact moment we really need it. I wasn’t particularly hurting very much this week, in fact I had a really great week. It was almost like a gift He gave me that said, “thank you for having so much faith, hope, and trust in me this week. Let me reassure you that this great blessing will happen for you.” I’m just so grateful, so incredibly grateful.